Too Young to Die

I was listening to a discussion on UCB radio this week about disciplining children and it got me thinking as I like so many others, had been shocked and upset to hear about the recent death of 13 year old girl Amber Peat. The media reported how, after being asked to do a household chore after coming back from a family holiday she had run off and took the tragic decision to hang herself.  In the radio discussion they talked about the responsibility of children and whether responsibility for them lies with their parents and guardians or society.   I for one thought it was an interesting question and one which we could all consider as our children spend more and more time away from their families in child care, educational, recreational and other settings away from us.  I’m not for one minute suggesting this is a bad thing; we all need to go to work and live our lives, but its true that our children are nurtured less by families these days and increasingly more by society.  I think it’s wonderful that our children have so many different influences and experiences; we wouldn’t want to wrap them up in cotton wool and keep them away from other people.  However, one of the negatives is that when things do go wrong it’s all too easy to blame someone else.  In an age of ‘blame culture’ it is all too easy to blame someone else for our problems and make excuses for our behaviour (I know I have) but surely we need to look beyond that and think about what we can do to help the situation

As the media reported the death of young Amber I am sure that like me you all wondered why? Was she being bullied, did she have mental health problems, was she being abused? The terrible thing is that no matter what reason Amber had for taking her own life, it’s too late now for her and her heartbroken family.  But as Amber’s story fades into the background, surely we owe it to her and our young people to think about what we can do to stop this happening again.  Have we really created a world where, when our children find the going gets too tough, their only choice is suicide?’ Oh dear God I hope not. I wish I could say this was an isolated incident but sadly it is not. I hear so many awful stories of our young people self harming and worse, like Amber killing themselves.  I for one think this is so very tragic and why I am writing this article.

I’m no expert of course and readily confess that I have made some of the worst mistakes in my parenting efforts but at the same time experience is a great teacher.  It’s tough being a parent and every families situation is different but one thing is for sure, at some point there are going to be difficulties.  How we navigate those difficulties depends on many factors, sometimes we can manage them with no help at all or when we cannot quite manage we can look for support from external sources.  However, when we do need help is it really there with the support agencies we have in place?  Police, social workers, health visitors, child care providers, teachers etc all do a phenomenal job but all too often we hear of them being overworked or neglectful  and unable to do their jobs well; or worse still some of which are abusers themselves. So many times when a child is abused or worse still, killed at the hands of their parents, we blame the social worker or the police or someone, anyone, we need to know who and why? Does it make us feel better to have someone to blame?

Maybe this article needs to be written by a much more qualified person but I felt I needed to share my thoughts with you.  I guess it’s because I remember feeling like Amber did and I wanted to do something for her. I remember feeling suicidal at that age, even younger than 13 and although I knew I wanted someone to help me I didn’t know who. I just wanted someone, anyone. The fact that nobody could make it all better and because life hurt too much made me want to die, to stop the pain. Thankfully I didn’t, and life carried on for me, finally getting better many years later. Every story is different and we will never know why precious Amber made that awful decision. I just wish she had reached out for help, to run to someone, anyone, to cry and wail and shout and scream how unfair it all is, anything rather than throw her life away so tragically.  Personally I have to wonder if we are all responsible for these tragic decisions our young people take.  No, I’m not blaming you personally but if we ask ourselves the question just as they did in the radio debate, ‘who is responsible for our children? Surely we have to come to the conclusion that we all are.  Sometimes I wonder if we live our lives in too much of a hurry, working too much, worrying about what we have, what we wear, what we look like. (Yes I’m guilty too.) Even when we are spending time with each other are we playing with our phones, ipads, tablets?  (Guilty again.) I know I sound old and boring but it does sadden me when my 6 and 7 year old grandchildren play with these things when we spend precious time together.) I’m just wondering if we exercised a little bit of self awareness, couldn’t we all try a bit harder with the eye contact, paying someone a heartfelt compliment, actually meeting that old friend for that coffee instead of just talking about it (guilty as charged again.)  I know there is so much more I could do and I wonder of you could too? Personally I think our children grow up too quickly, they take life far too seriously and they certainly don’t giggle enough.  Adulthood is a serious business and suicide is a terrible, tragic decision to make, one that our children should never ever think about. Please let us all do all we can to make sure none of us ever feels that lonely again.

The Guardian Amber Peat Death.

Dealing with The Haters

Gosh it’s been a while, sorry but I’ve been poorly again with ongoing infections etc.  And there I was thinking that when I started this blog I would be boring you all with endless writings every week!  Anyway here I am, unable to sleep and thought I would share with you a rather unpleasant experience regarding some feedback I received from a woman in France who had read my book.

Recently I received these awful messages from her via social media site Facebook :

“ You are a prostitute and it would be better if you were dead”

“Your mother was right to have left you, you are a disgrace to your poor mother”

“You should have died when you took the overdose.”

 

The messages continued in the same vein for a few hours until after a while I contacted the woman to ask where all this hatred came from. Her reply was that I should never have kept running back to my father when I was a child and that I should have reported him to the police. As politely as I could muster I sent her a long message explaining that I never returned to my dad because I wanted him to abuse me, I returned to him because I loved him and wanted him to be my dad. I also explained that many people stay or return to abusive relationships because they love that person and live in hope that they will change. Couldn’t she at least try to understand that I just wanted him to love me like a normal dad should love their daughter? I was a child I should have been able to trust him not to hurt me. I also explained that I had reported him to the police many times, but that they hadn’t pressed charges.  But she wasn’t having any of it and the hatred from her continued, so after a while of trying to defend and justify myself to her, I deleted and blocked her.

But it got me wondering why some people find it so hard to understand why people continue to stay in abusive situations.  Gosh if there is one thing I wanted to achieve from writing my books that was it!  Of course it is much more complex in adult relationships but in general I’m sure it’s not really that difficult for us all to relate to.

We all do things we don’t want to from time to time. We stay in jobs we hate for all sorts of reasons. We tolerate annoying behaviour from loved ones that drive us mad sometimes.  Parent’s, spouses, siblings, in laws, etc can moan at us and say things that we would never accept from anyone else.  Children can stretch our patience to the limit even the dog can have us pulling our hair out!  The truth is we make all sorts of excuses and reasons to tolerate other people’s behaviour, never more so than we love them.  We don’t take the dog to the dog shelter the first time he pees on the carpet. We don’t put our children in care the first time they disobey us and hopefully we don’t stop talking to our family and friends even after a fight.  Only we know when we have had enough and when it’s time to call it a day. As adults it can be a difficult decision, how much does your best friend have to let you down before she stops being your best friend?

I’m not trying to belittle the horror of child abuse, of course a child should be removed from any abusive situation. What I am saying is that when a child is abused by a parent, they don’t automatically start hating them. Their need for love, care and nurture hasn’t disappeared and their dependence on that parent hasn’t gone away either, their home is still their home and that is why they will want to return.   When a child is abused, their childhood is stolen and they are called upon to understand things even adults cannot.  Innocence, is gone, confusion reigns supreme, guilt and shame overwhelms them and all they want is for things to go back to ‘normal.’  More than ever they need to be loved and comforted and who else would they turn to but their parent?  How can they be blamed for wanting what should be theirs anyway, don’t they have a right to trust their parents?

 

The Facebook messages were unsettling for a while, I had been looking after my precious granddaughter and it had been such a lovely day with her but was so cruelly spoiled by a few hurtful words from a complete stranger in another country. The internet is an amazing resource but this was a harsh reminder of its power as those cruel words appeared on my laptop in the privacy of my home.  I wonder if she knew the effect her words would have. Was that what she wanted?  Why? I kept asking myself, why so hateful, why so venomous? She wasn’t a ‘troll’ her profile was there for all the world to see. Why would someone read a book they hated?  Surely people only read books they like or interest them. Maybe there was history of abuse or prostitution in her family? I don’t know and probably never will.  Whatever her reasons, I have come to forgive her and pray that whatever it was that motivated her to contact me like that, will be lifted from her and that she would be at peace.

 

In the 6 years since my books were published I have received thousands of messages of love and support from around the world. I have been overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers I will probably never meet and overwhelmed by the impact my books have had on so many people. My books have recently been translated and published in France, that’s 4 languages now!  Unfortunately there will always be a down side to writing about such controversial matters such as child abuse and prostitution but as for the haters, they have been few and far between and for that I am extremely grateful.

Fathers’ Day

Fathers day

Every year on this very special day I find myself writing a few sentences on my facebook status to try and encourage others that no matter what your circumstances or situation, ‘Fathers Day’ can still be a wonderful day to celebrate.  Then after recently transforming  my website into a bloggy styled format I was so excited as I realized I could write loads and loads if I wanted to and share it with the world!  It was then of course that I also realized that although I knew what I wanted to say, I had no idea how to say it. 🙂  We are funny creatures us humanoids.  Anyway as the week wore on and inspiration to write anything other than a shopping list eluded me I started to think that maybe my usual face book status would suffice, after all it isn’t how many words you use to say something, it’s the quality and impact those words may have.  I guess in this fast moving, instant information society we live in the challenge is to communicate as much information in as few words as possible. I still find that rather challenging which of course anyone who reads my face book status will know exactly what I mean. Well I am an author after all.

 

Anyway, back to ‘Fathers’ Day.’ Oh how I know it can be difficult when memories of our Dads are not all they should or could have been.  Yes I have had my share of traumatic experiences regarding my biological dad but I am very well aware that many other people struggle too and for all sorts of reasons.  Dads (and Mums of course) have a huge impact in our lives, their role is invaluable and can shape and mould children into all that he or she will become in the future. Experiences whether good or bad will be remembered, reflected upon and learned from.   I am no expert on these things but just as I write about in my books ‘Daddy’s Little Earner’ Harper Collins (2008) and ‘Escaping Daddy’ Harper Collins (2009) I have learned a great deal from my experiences.  If I can help others by sharing those experiences and all I have learned I will continue to do so.

 

The truth of it is, that Fathers Day can be just as joyful or painful as other celebratory days in the calendar, such as Birthdays, Christmas or any other day come to that. It is just another reminder of what your relationship with your father is or has been like. If you are close and have happy memories and experiences, this will probably be a happy day for you. If you are estranged from your dad or he has died or you have been hurt or neglected by your dad, fathers’ day can often be a cause for more pain and suffering.  As the media bombards us and our shops continually use every trick in the book to get us to hand over our hard earned money on  ‘wonderful dad’ cards and presents etc,  these things can sometimes trigger painful memories again. And all you did was go in the shop for a packet of biscuits!!  Oh my dear friend I know it can be hard and I am truly sorry if memories of your dad cause you anything other than joy.  What I really want to say is that it doesn’t have to be like that, no matter what your relationship with your Dad, it is possible to enjoy this day. It really is I promise!

 

As I said earlier, I had no idea how to say what I wanted to, but God being God showed me so clearly whilst I was out on a beautiful evening walk with Sky (my beautiful dog) yesterday.  On our way home we popped to the local shop which meant coming home along the foot path before we reached the meadow. It was around 7.30 and such a lovely warm evening, it was that time of night where everything seems to be buzzing around your head, no one elses, just yours!!  All sorts of flies and busy insects looking for their last bite of supper or somewhere to settle for the night I imagine: I really must change my hairspray to something less fruity!…… moving on…. At the top of the road I noticed a little family on their bicycles. I guess mum must have been at home clearing up after dinner or putting her feet up before bath and bed time or maybe she was at work, but for whatever reason mum wasn’t there this time. This time it was daddy on his big bike, older brother possibly around 9 or 10 on his boy bike and a little girl maybe 5 or 6 on her pink and purple little bicycle with her gorgeous pink princess helmet. I really wouldn’t have taken much notice but I kept an eye on them in case Sky and I needed to move onto the grass verge. Yes there was a cycle path but it was obvious the little girl wasn’t quite confident enough to be on there yet and I did wonder if they were heading off onto the park to their right.

 

As they drew closer the little girl was in front concentrating really hard, trying not to wobble too much, older brother was in a world of his own, distracted by something to the right of him in the hedge rows and Daddy wasn’t far behind watching over them both protectively like a big bear.  I guess the slight slope in the pavement unnerved the little girl because all of a sudden she began to go a little too fast. It was then that she cried out: ‘Daddy, daddy how do I stop?’ Gently but firmly without a speck of panic in his voice her Daddy replied:  ‘gently squeeze your brakes like daddy showed you sweetheart.’  Jerking a little here and there she came to a stop just before the hedgerow.  ‘Oh daddy she cried, I thought I was going to crash into the hedge, I didn’t know how to stop or how to turn…..but I didn’t daddy, look I stopped just in time.’ As big Daddy cycled up to her we caught each others’ eye and smiled before he looked tenderly at his daughter who in turn looked up gleefully to him. It was just one of those moments where your heart just melts and I knew I had just witnessed something very special. To millions of families, this won’t seem like a big deal, just a normal part of parenting but I knew I had just witnessed a very special bond between father and daughter.  What warmed my heart was the way the little girl had cycled off ahead, a little wobbly and uncertain but fully able to proceed because she knew her daddy was right there behind her.  She didn’t look round once, so certain was she that he was there looking out for her.  When it seemed to be going wrong for her, in her panic, she cried out to him but still she didn’t need to turn round, again so certain was she that he was there.  And he was there, she was never in any real danger, she wasn’t going very fast at all but still she would have been hurt if she fell.  Daddy knew this of course but there was absolutely no panic in his voice as he told his precious daughter exactly what to do.  I guess he knew her better than she knew herself and had enough confidence in her to know that she could do it. I guess he also knew that even if she did fall off, that was still all part of the process of learning to ride your bike.

 

There was a time in my life when witnessing something like this, would have made me feel sad, remembering my awful childhood and how painful it all was. But I no longer do that,  yes I had a quick reminder of how I had to learn to ride a bike in a children’s home because my dad had sold my  first bicycle for beer money before I  had the chance to learn to ride it . Thank fully that doesn’t bother one little bit any more; it’s a memory, a very old one at that.  And so, rather than getting lost in that world of painful memories I chose to keep thinking about this little girl and her family, praising God and thanking God for letting me witness a beautiful moment with these complete strangers. It reminded me how very very important and precious our dads are and how right it is to have a special day to honor and celebrate them.  Thank you God, for good Dads! I only have to look at my sons with my grandchildren and my heart melts, whether they are changing their bottoms, playing in the park or just watching a movie. Whatever they are doing I just love the way they love them and remember every day how incredibly blessed I am with my beautiful family.

 

I know we live in a terribly painful world,  awful horrid things happen and its heart breaking sometimes,  but think about it for a moment,  if we cannot celebrate and enjoy all the good stuff where would be? Please believe me when I say I am not belittling any pain or suffering you may have experienced or are going through.  I have known people who have been absolutely devastated by losing their wonderful dads and it’s heartbreaking to see them in so much pain.  Father’s day can quite often be another reminder and trigger for that grief.  But grief is the price we pay for loving people, if we didn’t love them it wouldn’t hurt to lose them. In the wise old words of  Lord Alfred Tennyson… ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’  I am sorry if you are grieving for your dad at this time and I pray that you will soon come to a place of peace, where although you still feel sad and miss your dad, you can smile because of the wonderful times you did share.

 

I guess what I’m trying to say is no matter what your circumstances or situation,  please try to focus on the positives. We have had and still have many wonderful dads out there today. They deserve our love and appreciation and I thank God for them as good role models for the next generation….. and the majority of them are good, praise God!

 

So how did I get to this place of positivity and peace you may wonder?  Well all credit goes to my amazing father in heaven, my big Daddy, my proper Dad I call him. 🙂 I am who I am today because of my relationship with Him. Because he sent his precious son to die for me I can live, and live life to the full.  No one can heal you like Jesus can, he teaches me how to forgive, to let go of the past and to look forward, he teaches me about who I am and all that I can be through Him.  No matter how many times I have pushed him away he has always been right beside me.  Just like the little girls daddy in the story above God has been there through every journey,  he always answers when I cry out to Him and he always comes alongside me whenever I need Him.  And just like that little girl I have come to trust that no matter how wobbly I may be on my journey through life, He will always be there. He is the reason I can forgive,  he is the reason I can trust again, the reason that even if I fall off that bike, I can get straight back on it, looking forward, smiling gleefully, appreciating all that is good in this world. He is the reason I can leave all the bad stuff behind me and get on with my life as He watches over me like that big protective bear.

Happy Fathers Day God…… now you really are the Best!

For your personal letter from God please follow this link   My Dear Child

 

 

 

 

‘True Identity’ Latest News

Hi Everyone

Gosh its been a while and how quickly things change!

Ok so yes, boring old illness has kept me out of action for a while and yes I’m still poorly with one thing or another but hey ho here I am again…. ‘Never Give Up’ I say.

I’ve been thinking lately that instead of finishing my planned next book ‘True Identity’  I may just write a blog for a while. The truth of it is that because illness keeps putting ‘True Identity’ on hold, when I come back to it a few months later its almost like I’m having to rewrite the whole thing again. You see, every day I learn and grow a little bit more so maybe what I wrote 6 months ago in regard to say for example ‘Forgiveness,’  maybe I will have learnt a little more that I think is more appropriate or interesting or useful. The truth is I really don’t think I’m going to get ‘True Identity’ finished anytime soon. I’m not saying never, just saying not at the moment and not sure when!

Also because of the way the world is changing and how books are presented now such as through ebooks and online resources I was thinking that I may start off with writing a few essays/blogs and publishing them here. I have so much material which I would love to share with you and often think of certain subjects I would like to write about. And who knows, maybe one day they will all merge into a book!

And so the first plan of action is to learn how to write a blog, followed by how to make my waffling interesting to other people and then how to make it successful!  I know I talk about heavy duty stuff sometimes but the truth of it is, we are all affected by abuse in our society and personally I believe we are all responsible for each other and can do something to help. Even if its just praying for others. I say ‘just praying’ but actually prayer is one of the most powerful things we can do.

And so, here we are again beginning a new adventure and I have to admit that the very thing that has prompted me to do this now after thinking about it for months is that ‘Fathers Day’ is coming up this weekend and I would like to share my thoughts with you regarding this special day. So in the next few days I will be posting a post (hehe) regarding ‘Fathers Day’  I will be speaking about how I have managed to forgive my dad for the past and will be speaking about how, although Fathers day can of course bring up some horrid memories, regrets, flashbacks etc, you can also get to a place where you can rejoice in this special day with others no matter what your experiences or circumstances.

And so I will say good bye for now. Do keep in touch, I love to hear from you

God bless you love Ria x

Why I wrote the books

Like so many other people and for many  years as I thought about the mess my life was in  I often used to find myself pondering the questions ‘Why, why why? What am I here for, what am I supposed to do with my life? What’s the point? How can I turn something so awful into something positive.?  Always, always I would get the same answer ‘write a book.’ I never knew how to or where to start but for many years before the books were published I knew it was what I was meant to do.

When I had a breakdown in my mid twenties, I found writing a great comfort and release. Some of my writing was angry, some of it incredibly sad. By writing down my thoughts and feelings I was able to release some of the pain that I had hung onto for many years and that had expressed itself in the form of depression and mental illness. A few years later when my dear brother Glen died in 1997 I promised him that I would write our story. I was so angry that he had died so young and I felt I needed to do something for him and all of us children that had suffered so much when we were younger.  At least if our story was there in black and white, Glen would never be forgotten by the world that had in some ways let him down so badly.

I am deeply passionate about personal development and growth. I truly believe that with the right help and support anybody can overcome childhood trauma and the devastating effects that it can have in our adult lives. I find great inspiration from people who have been through awful experiences and have managed to come out the other side and lead happy rewarding lives. If sharing my experiences and the steps I took to heal myself inspires anyone to help themselves out of the pain, then I have achieved what I set out to do.  It is not an easy road but it has been the most rewarding of my life. I have had to learn to love, respect and forgive myself, I have had to learn to love, respect and forgive others but most importantly I have found myself. I am a very happy woman, I love being me!!!!

Daddy’s Little Earner and Escaping Daddy were written before I became a Christian. I honestly thought writing these books would have been the end of it all and I could finally leave the past behind me. Unbeknown to me God had a far greater plan and I became a Christian  after Daddy’s Little Earner but just before Escaping Daddy were published. It certainly showed me how Gods timing is perfect. If I had written my books as a Christian I doubt they would ever have been published let alone become UK top ten best sellers, published internationally and to date translated into four languages. I believe God had something to say through me and rather than Daddy’s Little Earner and Escaping Daddy being the end of something, they are in fact the beginning of a journey far more remarkable than I ever could have imagined.